CW: singular reference to cathartic self-harm practice Slow movement. The air pressure shifts drops presses contracts against my skin. A sense of waiting, the thin edge between expectation and anticipation. Build rise fall drop. Every breeze feels like the beginning of a hurricane that doesn't manifest fully. Grasping. Midnight purple, the color you are when… Continue reading Catharsis
Category: Mental Health
This is the Mess
I'm biting my lip. There is a storm brewing just beneath my skin. This one came on fast, if we ignore the building winds and inconsistent sirens over the past few months. I'm searching for my next bad idea, and you're looking better every minute. Are you willing to be a mistake? Or are you… Continue reading This is the Mess
Lessons Learned
This is going to be long, and mostly exists for me to bookmark something important for myself, but perhaps there are kernels in here for others as well. I’m exhausted, but if I don’t write this now, I’m afraid I will lose this feeling and with it, the opportunity to capture pieces of this into… Continue reading Lessons Learned
Ceramic Moments
CW: references to addiction and drug use Leaning up against the car, the damp scent of new dawn permeating the air. I close my eyes, grasping a cup of coffee and remembering mornings in gas station parking lots, the condensation of my breath mixed with smoke, the shape of a styrofoam cup, the scent of… Continue reading Ceramic Moments
The Fire Came Back
The fire came back, and I can feel it tensing in my bones, running ripples down my spine. I need to burn, to feel the edge of pain pressing against a threshold, to breathe into it and through it, to know that fear and burn through to acceptance. It’s potent, visceral; I can burn anywhere… Continue reading The Fire Came Back
Taking Up Space
"You talk about being too much, taking up too much space...but if you had to be less, or take up less space than you do...then you're reducing yourself in order to make yourself fit." I remember when I started wearing my father's cowboy boots. They have a metal heel and are louder than stilettos on… Continue reading Taking Up Space
Glow-in-the-fucking-dark Stars
Content warning: trauma, triggers, sexual assault My biological mother and I do not get along for a variety of reasons. We do best when we talk every couple of months and see each other once a year. She wants more, I want less. It’s a compromise. I knew she was going to be coming through… Continue reading Glow-in-the-fucking-dark Stars
Permission to be Human
Before I say anything, I want to say thank you. To those of you who have witnessed, held space for, and/or responded gently to me over the past week, I am eternally grateful. My mental health took a sharp swing, and I’ve felt like I have been grasping: grasping at connection, grasping at distraction, grasping… Continue reading Permission to be Human
This is Where the Notebooks Go
Today I sat on my floor and looked around at the overwhelmingness of my living room and panicked. Dishes on the coffee table that were at least 5 days (if not a week) old, so old the fruit flies had either finally lost interest or drowned in their hunt for fermented mimosa. Most of… Continue reading This is Where the Notebooks Go
I love the things that are terrible for me
I keep thinking about how much I love the things that are terrible for me. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I want to cultivate the things in my life that are healthy, balanced, mutual, sustainable, stable, and minimally dramatic. That is, ultimately, my goal in most relationships and long-term dynamics. But let’s be real:… Continue reading I love the things that are terrible for me
Monomaniacism 