Musing wine thoughts: pain, power, and sex are intrinsically linked for me. I can take much more pain where there is a power component, and I can take much more of both when there is a sexual component.
Not all my kink is sexual. But I think I haven’t wanted to touch pain and power because they are sexual for me, and the intrinsic link makes them feel pressurized.
Maybe it doesn’t have to be. Maybe it’s ok that some of my kink interests are rooted in sex. Maybe the pressure comes more from not talking about them than it does from just feeling them.
This thought hit me the other night, and it’s stayed with me. I think it’s something I have always known was true, but it’s never been something I was really ready to talk about until now. Because when things feel intrinsically linked to sex, they begin to feel like expectation or entitlement (especially to someone else’s body), and that has never felt good.
But I think the issue is (and has always been) the lack of clarity around these things. It’s not so much about expectation and entitlement as it is about cause and effect. If this, then that. Maybe not quite that transactional, but on a fundamental level, pain and power are inherently connected for me, and both of them are directly related to sexual desire.
I am an incredibly sexual person (which comes as a surprise to no one). On the list of things I want to do at any given moment, “fuck” is usually pretty high up on that list. And while sex and intimacy aren’t always linked (I am someone who can have casual sex, for example), there are certain aspects of kink that I need sex to be included.
I hesitate here to say “need” because I do those things without a sexual component and it’s fine. Perhaps it’s better to say, “my specific draw to these things includes a sexual aspect.” There is still enjoyment and pleasure without, but that’s not the reason I am drawn to pain or power.
Partially because sex is a very easy way to get into my head. It also feels like the reward for doing something hard or intense. But also, hard and intense things are somewhat sexually arousing for me. Watching something that freaks me out while someone casually fingers me? Yeah, here for that. But the payoff for doing the thing that is really tough is usually sex. That makes me feel like I did well. That I was strong and good and did the thing.
Something I have struggled with a lot is how to instigate sex when you literally always want it. So power becomes intriguing to me with the idea that someone can assume that I am literally always interested in fucking, and can throw me down and do whatever when the mood hits them.
Which isn’t to say I don’t still instigate. Even in that, I don’t want to put the entire weight of that on someone else; I still need to instigate sex when I actively want it.
And maybe that’s the thing. There are times when I actively want sex, but the majority of the time, it’s a passive desire: I would be really ok with that happening, but it doesn’t feel urgent or pressing. And I think those are the times that power dynamics would be helpful. Why yes, I’m happy to be your fuck toy. No, I’m probably not done, so finish when you want to.
Because then I don’t have to think: think about taking too long, wanting too much, whatever. Then I can just get out of my head and do, rather than overthinking every single piece.
Beyond that, though, power dynamics push me to do things that I want to do, but am too afraid to do on my own. It lets me be afraid without the fear stopping me from doing something. This is also linked to CNC-style things: I want to be able to say no- partially because I’m afraid- and have that “no” be ignored because in reality, I actually want to do The Thing.
When I got needle cotopped, I had to very, VERY carefully pick my words. Did I want needles in me? Hell no. But did I want them to stop what they were doing? Definitely not. So I had to very carefully answer questions in a way that didn’t say I wanted needles in me, but allowed them to know they still had my consent.
I like the loss of control. The idea that I am doing something for the pleasure of someone else. It feeds into objectification for me: power lets someone use me in the ways they want to. Objects don’t have feelings. I need a reason to do things, and if that reason is “for the pleasure or enjoyment of someone else,” that something I can get my head around a lot easier.
But it still feels sexual. It still feels rooted in the desire to please someone else and get my own pleasure too. Even if that looks vastly different.
So yeah, power and pain and sex are all intricately linked. When I do power stuff, it usually has a sexual component to it- at least, for me. It’s arousing. I very badly want to get fucked after. Or during. Or whatever. And pain? Arousal helps the pain processing. So yeah, you wanna sink your teeth into me while you fuck me? Yes, please. Also, I actively like hard, rough sex that hurts. And the amount of pain I can process at any given point is directly linked to my sexual relationship with the person.
I want to stop my brain from overprocessing, which usually means I need to overwhelm my senses, to some degree. Giving up control. Focusing on pain. And the more I can do either of those things, the more my brain turns to instinct. Which is still sexually driven. More arousal means a greater ability to process these things, yes. But processing these things also leads intrinsically to arousal. I cannot surrender power without sex. I cannot process high levels of pain without sex. Or when I do, it’s infinitely harder, and rarely what I want.
(Finally written at the urging of a good friend)