Blog, Consent, Kink

Believing Victims, Supporting Friends

There seems to be this pervasive idea in the scene that you can’t simultaneously support your friends and believe victims who have experienced abuse at the hands of your friends. With all possible respect, I have to call bullshit on this kind of all-or-nothing, ultimatum, “pick sides” mentality, if for absolutely no other reason than… Continue reading Believing Victims, Supporting Friends

Blog, Consent, Kink

The Role of Empathy in Consent

Note: this is long, incredibly nuanced, and full of caveats. I tried to trim down as much as I could, but I also believe that not everything is simple, and sometimes the nuance and complexity is important to the discussion. I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday about a series of loaded topics-… Continue reading The Role of Empathy in Consent

Blog, Consent, Kink

Consent Violations are Part of My Risk Profile

We talk about risk profiles in the scene- the idea that we recognize that different activities carry certain types of risks, and we understand what those risks are (to the best of our abilities). We attempt to mitigate those risks through negotiation, safewords, in-scene checks, etc. but at the end of the day, we recognize… Continue reading Consent Violations are Part of My Risk Profile

Blog, Consent, Kink, Queerness

Better Standards

Maybe we all need to be held to better standards. All of us. Spoiler note: it is exhausting. And sometimes requires that we step away to focus. And it never ends. We get into this world, bright-eyed, excited, finally feeling like we have found our people, found where we belong. Some of us, anyway. I’m… Continue reading Better Standards

Blog, Consent, Kink

Consent, Risk Assessment, and Responsibility

It would be really nice if consent were as black-and-white as I want it to be. But even in my own life, I recognize that that is not necessarily true. Example: Two people in an ongoing play/sometimes-sexual relationship decide to do a scene. One person is feeling a little off and not incredibly sexual, and communicate… Continue reading Consent, Risk Assessment, and Responsibility

Blog, Consent, Kink, Power, Pain, and D/s

Permission, Consent, and Renegotiating Fearplay

I had a situation occur that has me thinking about the nuanced difference between “permission” and “consent.” Consent, of course, is a complex, complicated concept that roughly comes down to an understanding of limits, boundaries, and activities that people mutually agree to engage in together. Of course it’s more complicated than that, but the focus… Continue reading Permission, Consent, and Renegotiating Fearplay

Blog, Consent, Kink

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

This might be an unpopular opinion, but it's something I've been mulling around in my head lately: the way I play privately is very different from how I play publicly...never mind “best practices” discussions and what we teach about safety, consent, and how to navigate the scene. It's not bad or good; it just is what it… Continue reading Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Blog, Consent, Kink, Psychological & CNC

Safewords, CNC, and How We Define Consent

This has been ruminating for some time, and recent conversations with several people- including discussing co-teaching a class on CNC-have brought it back to the forefront of my mind, along with the general community-wide discussions of consent. So, I figured now is as good a time as any. The content warnings are what you would… Continue reading Safewords, CNC, and How We Define Consent

Blog, Consent, Kink

On Consent and Making Spaces Safer

Last night, I was having a discussion with a friend in my local community about consent violations. In the midst of our discussion, she encouraged me to do this writing, and while I have some trepidation about it, I think it's good that we continue conversations about how to make our events, classes, playspaces, etc.… Continue reading On Consent and Making Spaces Safer

Blog, Consent, Kink

Consent is a muscle, not a tool

Tool: (n) a device or implement…used to carry out a particular function A thing used in an occupation or pursuit (cited here) We talk a lot about tools for navigating different situations: tools for navigating mental health, tools for addressing social inequality, tools for setting good boundaries, and so forth. Tools are useful. They’re important. They… Continue reading Consent is a muscle, not a tool