Tonight, I decided it’d be a great night to put in a butt plug and do some writing. I’ve had a myriad of thoughts that I wanted to put down, and I haven’t worn my plug in awhile, and I drank a cup of cold brew, so why not?
So I hopped in the shower to get clean, and reached over for my plug and some lube. As I’m warming up to put it in, I feel the smallest little pang- part of me wants to be doing this for someone. Because they asked me to. Part of me wants to send someone a picture of This Thing That I Did For Them. Part of me wants someone to tell me not to get off afterward, or to get off twice, or..something.
In short, part of me wants this to be part of some D/s-esque, power and control kind of scene.
It’s not. I don’t really have any of those in my life… not necessarily because I don’t want them, but because I don’t want them all the time, and I don’t really seek out that kind of relationship. But it’s a desire that ebbs and flows, sometimes more strongly than other times.
I get the plug in and stand under the water for a moment, considering, thinking, adjusting, acclimating to the feeling. Putting a plug in always makes me want to get head for hours; my clit gets so sensitive, and I just kind of want to fuck and come, over and over until it hurts. Part of me wants to edge, but I already know I’m not going to do it just for me. I like edging, but I like it more when it’s got a purpose behind it.
Like all kinds of suffering, I process it better when I understand why I’m doing it.
I’m absolutely a people-pleaser. I want to do things to make people happy, comfortable, whatever. That can certainly go too far (sacrificing my own needs/desires/comfort for someone else’s), but for the most part, I actually really enjoy doing things that I know make someone else happy. It makes me feel good.
In talking through all of this with a friend, I have easily come to see that my s-type leanings comes from a place of people-pleasing: the ways in which I find myself wanting power exchange usually manifest in some way that involves doing things for other people that make them happy. That’s not a huge surprise to me.
Something that hadn’t really occurred to me is that desiring submission is also directly tied to how secure I feel in my relationships. When I feel really comfortable about how I fit into the lives of the people around me, my desire for D/s is a little less present, a little less at the forefront of my mind.
But when I’m going through any period of insecurity, it comes up (and since I have A Lot Of Feelings about D/s and how I relate to it, it sort of all compounds in on itself). When I am feeling insecure, or unsure how I fit into someone’s life, or worried that maybe I’m not as desirable, or whatever… the idea of submission makes me feel more secure. Not just secure in the sense of, “Oh, this person clearly desires me enough to play around with control,” but secure in the sense of, “Ok, I know how to please this person.” It makes me feel more confident (and competent) at giving people things that they want. I know the things I’m doing are desirable because they told me to do them. It’s a way of expressing desire that my brain understands really well.
I realize I have been butting up against comparisons a lot lately. Recognizing the ways in which I am different (and how my brain internalizes that difference as a failing, or as having qualities that are less-desirable). Pulling up some feelings of insecurity. It’s a thing that happens, and I’m pretty good at dealing with it. But it’s also making me realize that there is a subtext in D/s desires: “tell me to do this thing” is actually more accurately, “tell me I am someone you desire enough to want to be engaged in aspects of my sexuality” but also, “tell me how to please you, because in this moment, I want to and am unsure or uncertain how to, or if I even do.”
There’s a lot in this to unpack. I can easily see how having more space in my life for these kinds of dynamics (even as they ebb and flow) could be really helpful, but I can also see how it can easily be used as a crutch for never dealing with the things that bring up insecurity for me in the first place.
Understanding what my pull toward power exchange is, why it comes up the ways that it does- how and when and why-and the different things that impact it are, I think, good. I also think there is a balance in there: when to ask for things like that, and when to push through and allow my feelings to exist and work through them on my own.
But it gives me language to talk about it. It lets me be more clear in what I want and what I am asking for when I am asking for certain kinds of power exchange. It’s a signal that I am feeling some things that I need to examine or unpack when I feel a strong pull toward submission. It’s a helpful tool, but it still requires that I do the work to deal with the emotions going on under the surface.
So tonight, I put a butt plug in and did some writing because that’s what sounded like a fun idea. Cause I like things in my ass, and should probably do that more often. I did it for me, because I wanted to. But I know a part of me wanted to do it for someone else. To process sensation through the lens of experiencing it for the pleasure of someone else. That part is real, and valid, and a part of my sexuality sometimes.
And now, I’m going to go hurt myself with some kind of painful rope because I want feel viscerally feel something connecting my brain to the sensations of my body. It is also for me, because I decided I wanted to, but I can feel the small part of me that wants to share that discomfort. That wants to suffer for someone else. To hurt for their pleasure, instead of my own. Because I will get something out of it, no matter what. But I get so much more out of it when I know someone else is getting something out of it, too.